Delighting in the Dynamic

My "Message from God" for today (actually a few days back, but anyway..):

"On this day God wants you to know...that you've been missing out on delight God has sent your way. Think back over the last day - what could you have taken with delight that you just skipped over?"

And that bothered me because I don't very often take delight in the good things. I am far to focused on the bad things and have a great tendency to wallow around in the crap.

This not only endangers my precarious-at-best mental health, but also my sobriety because I am supposed to be keeping an "attitude of gratitude."

And I'll tell you - that attitude is damn hard to keep in the face of everything I deal with every day.

I did some bitching in an earlier post about being so horrifically tired. Started last Monday and never really let up until Friday. But even though Monday was bad, the rest of the week I was able to get some rest. Some much needed, much appreciated rest. And I feel bad because the laundry didn't get folded and the dishes didn't get done. But as a result of having rested, I feel kind of almost something approaching good. I was able to take the kiddos to McD's for dinner.

And through the day, really, I felt better. I got to the store and got what I needed to get some things done.

And then actually got those things done.

And that made me feel a little better about myself. And because I felt a little better about myself, every little tiny thing that comes along didn't bother me quite so badly and I wasn't quite as cranky as I usually am.

I even let the kiddos have the toys in their happy meals BEFORE all the nuggets were gone. Usually I sound like a broken record - eat your food eat your food eat your food EAT YOUR FOOD!!!!! But on this night, I was able to put the record player away and just let them be kids. (And they did eat all their nuggets even though they got the toy first!)

Saturday and Sunday were not as good but still pretty okay. And then on Monday we were back to the cranky, tired, bitchy person who feels like crap. I did manage to stay awake all day, though. And the rest of the week was just okay. Sunday sucked the life out of me again. I spent most of the day napping on and off and as a result have not slept. So, if I sound a little nuttier than usual, it's becuase I'm riding a caffeine enduced, sleep deprived roller coaster of free falling thought.

And I've decided that I DO need to take the time to not "skip over" the small things. So, here's a few that I noticed over the weekend....

The leaves. They are mostly turned to varying shades of yellow, gold, orange and red. I love the colors of fall. I did, however, feel a bit sad as it seems like just yesterday the trees had finally all turned green and now, in no time at all, will be bare again.

The length of shadows. The tree on my boulevard only shades the very front part of my lawn during the summer. I noticed yesterday that the shadow now reaches all the way up to my front steps.

The temperature. It varies wildly from day to night. Sometimes even from day to day while Mother Nature tries to decide if it is still summer, or if it is truly autumn.

And as I'm noticing these things, I'm also noticing a theme.

Things change. The weather, the seasons. People.

The nature of the Universe is dynamic, not static. EVERYTHING changes.

And I can either roll with them, or be rolled over by them.

Stupid Shit

There is so MUCH stupid shit in my life right now that I have to write. I have to vent. I have to purge. I have to get it out or it will eat me alive. So for today, here are a couple. I am certain I will have more.

Stupid Shit Thing #1: Sex Inventories

For those of you not familiar with the 12-Step process, the Sex Inventory is part of the 4th Step (Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.) In the Sex Inventory, one makes a list of people with whom you have actually had sex or ever wanted to have sex or ever even thought about having sex.

And I used to have a list. I was proud of the list because I could look at it and say, quite sanctimoniously, that I never had sex with anyone that I didn't know their first and last name. I don't know what happened to the list. But it's gone. Along with my sanctimony. And a good deal of my self respect. What is left is a list with many of the names intact, but there are a few that escape me.

Maybe that's for the best.

In the inventory, we list the person and the reason and the circumstance. While there are lots of names, there is really only one reason and one circumstance. I was drunk and I wanted someone to love me.

And I'm fairly disgusted with myself.

And guess what - It was hard. It was scary. It was painful.

But here's the thing - even though I put it on my "Stupid Shit" list, now that it's done, I recognize the value in having done it (no pun intended). I can't move forward until I am willing to look at where I have been. There's no room for a sane future until I "clear away the wreckage of the past." So, here I am, clearing away.

Stupid Shit Thing #2: My Former Supposed Spouse

My Former Supposed Spouse (FSS) is currently incarcerated and so along with everything else, I am also a single parent to two beautiful little boys, ages 6 and 4.

The FSS does not believe that his unfortunate incarceration has had any effect on his children.

I beg to differ.

When the 4-year-old and I got home from his first day of preschool, he told me we were going to play a game and the game was called "Jail." He was the cop. I was the bad guy. He put the fake handcuffs on me and led me to my room where he informed me that I was now in "jail" and had to stay there until he said otherwise. He did take the handcuffs off and did tell me I could still use my phone, smoke my cigarettes, and use the bathroom when I needed to.

No effect, huh? Yeah. Whatever.

I'm trying REALLY hard to find a positive way to spin this so that it doesn't drive me crazy. My child has an AMAZING imagination. He tells me the MOST amazing stories. This is the first time this particular tale has played out and it just about broke my heart.

Get to Know Me Getting To Know Myself

Ok. I will be the very first one to admit it. I don't feel FABULOUS every day.

In fact, most days, I feel far from it.

I am a sober alcoholic. This is my third try at it. It's scary. It's different. It's hard. It's painful. But it is. Maybe just for today, but it IS.

I am living with Fibromyalgia. And most days, that really, really, really sucks. It's painful. It's scary. It's different. It's hard. It's exhausting. But it IS.

I remember a time when I felt normal. And I MISS it.

But here's the thing. Even though it's scary, painful, different, hard, exhausting....it's worth knowing. I am worth knowing. Even if I'm the only one who knows that!