Monday, October 11, 2010

Delighting in the Dynamic

My "Message from God" for today (actually a few days back, but anyway..):

"On this day God wants you to know...that you've been missing out on delight God has sent your way. Think back over the last day - what could you have taken with delight that you just skipped over?"

And that bothered me because I don't very often take delight in the good things. I am far to focused on the bad things and have a great tendency to wallow around in the crap.

This not only endangers my precarious-at-best mental health, but also my sobriety because I am supposed to be keeping an "attitude of gratitude."

And I'll tell you - that attitude is damn hard to keep in the face of everything I deal with every day.

I did some bitching in an earlier post about being so horrifically tired. Started last Monday and never really let up until Friday. But even though Monday was bad, the rest of the week I was able to get some rest. Some much needed, much appreciated rest. And I feel bad because the laundry didn't get folded and the dishes didn't get done. But as a result of having rested, I feel kind of almost something approaching good. I was able to take the kiddos to McD's for dinner.

And through the day, really, I felt better. I got to the store and got what I needed to get some things done.

And then actually got those things done.

And that made me feel a little better about myself. And because I felt a little better about myself, every little tiny thing that comes along didn't bother me quite so badly and I wasn't quite as cranky as I usually am.

I even let the kiddos have the toys in their happy meals BEFORE all the nuggets were gone. Usually I sound like a broken record - eat your food eat your food eat your food EAT YOUR FOOD!!!!! But on this night, I was able to put the record player away and just let them be kids. (And they did eat all their nuggets even though they got the toy first!)

Saturday and Sunday were not as good but still pretty okay. And then on Monday we were back to the cranky, tired, bitchy person who feels like crap. I did manage to stay awake all day, though. And the rest of the week was just okay. Sunday sucked the life out of me again. I spent most of the day napping on and off and as a result have not slept. So, if I sound a little nuttier than usual, it's becuase I'm riding a caffeine enduced, sleep deprived roller coaster of free falling thought.

And I've decided that I DO need to take the time to not "skip over" the small things. So, here's a few that I noticed over the weekend....

The leaves. They are mostly turned to varying shades of yellow, gold, orange and red. I love the colors of fall. I did, however, feel a bit sad as it seems like just yesterday the trees had finally all turned green and now, in no time at all, will be bare again.

The length of shadows. The tree on my boulevard only shades the very front part of my lawn during the summer. I noticed yesterday that the shadow now reaches all the way up to my front steps.

The temperature. It varies wildly from day to night. Sometimes even from day to day while Mother Nature tries to decide if it is still summer, or if it is truly autumn.

And as I'm noticing these things, I'm also noticing a theme.

Things change. The weather, the seasons. People.

The nature of the Universe is dynamic, not static. EVERYTHING changes.

And I can either roll with them, or be rolled over by them.


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