Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Where The Hell's the Bottom??

I feel like I'm in a hole that I can't get out of. And, the harder I try, the deeper it gets.

I have no motivation. I have a long list of things that need to get done. My house is a disaster. There's a mountain of laundry. The passenger side of my bed is covered with ...... well just a bunch of stuff. My clean clothes, kids' clean clothes, books, junk mail, notebooks, pens - if I had a laptop, that's where it would be....lately it seems I live in my bedroom.

And I used to like to be in my bedroom. It was my sanctuary. Now, it's starting to feel more like a sanatorium than sanctuary.

I've had this illness that started out as a head cold, morphed into bronchitis, and now has become something that just won't go away. I have no appetite, not that that's such a bad thing as I have no energy to cook anything anyway. If I do try to eat, I either feel sick or it won't stay with me very long. And I'm really kind of tired of it. My roommate says he was over his in about 4 days because he just "refused to admit he was sick." I don't even have the energy to do that.

Have you ever had that feeling like you know you're gonna fuck up, and you can see yourself while you are fucking up, but feel powerless to stop it?? Yeah. That's where I'm at.

In a hole, that I can't get out of, and the harder I try and the harder I cry, the deeper the bottom becomes and the steeper the sides get. Like the chick at the end of "Drag Me to Hell" when she's trying to climb up out of the old nasty gypsy woman's grave.

I hope I get over this funk soon.


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