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Friday, January 7, 2011

Just Another Drunk

I had a light bulb moment the other night after I posted about my obsession with my friend "Anonymous." Yes, I of course, obsessed some more. Okay, so it was less like a light bulb over my head than it was a ton of bricks falling on my head. And here's the conclusion I have come to.

It's the addict in me - that desperate need to fill the "gut level empty" with something, anything. When I drank, I could fill it with booze and - although temporary - that emptiness would go away. It would inevitably return - bigger, deeper, and emptier than before - and would require more and more to get it to go away.

People who know me but didn't know about my drinking problem often ask me why I go to AA. They say things like "I never thought you drank THAT much." Or, "But you never got in any trouble because of it." Well, friends and neighbors, that is only by the Grace of a God whose love I cannot begin to fathom. I never did much drinking in public. I did mine at home, behind closed doors where no one could see me. And was pretty determined to NEVER admit - to myself or anyone else - that I had a problem.

And so, the worse I got, the worse my choice in partner's became because I needed someone I could point to and say that's what an alcoholic does. Or that's what an addict looks like. I don't do that and I don't look like that so I don't have a problem. I don't have a single DUI let alone 11. I've never been in a fight in a bar. I've never been arrested blah blah blah blah.

I did whatever it took so that I could stay up on my high horse. And I damn sure was not about to admit to the FSS that - really - I was exactly the same as him. Just not as public.

Just because you couldn't see it, didn't see it, didn't know about it doesn't mean I don't need to be exactly where I'm at.

So. I don't know. I think I had a point. Let's see if we can find it again.

Oh, yeah. Anonymous Comment.

Obsessing for him/her is the drunk in me trying to fill the empty that I have allowed to creep back into my soul. And I don't think knowing who "Anonymous" is would help.

Because?

Because there are really only two outcomes here. I would either be disappointed that it's not who I think I want it to be.

Or, it is. And that would seriously feed the obsession much more than quell it.

2 comments:

Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds said...

I used to like anonymous comments. Then they turned nasty and I recently disabled them. You're right that it's no better to know who it is. I recently figured out who was behind one of them. I'd rather keep thinking it was a stranger!

Candyland said...

Anonymous comments bug me too. I don't get them much anymore though. I love your honesty:)

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