Wednesday, March 16, 2011

You Can Make Them "Come-To-Jesus" But You Can't Make Them Drink The Kool-Aid


We had the big Come-To-Jesus meeting for the FSS's Ex-Wife.

And it was all very pleasant. Nobody yelled. Nobody blamed. Nobody shamed. I maintained MY composure even though I was SCREAMING on the inside.

And lots of really good ideas were bandied about regarding how we can all participate in helping the CHILDREN get through this, get help, dig into the problems they are having - both at home with mom and now that they are living with grandma - and figure out how to let these kids just be kids instead of always worrying about grown up things.

But there was a GREAT BIG FAT ELEPHANT in the room that no one really touched on. Well, we touched on it, but The Ex's Ex flat out REFUSES to even consider it.

"Kay" lives her live in constant, severe pain. She has a bad hip. Has had for quite some time. It's why she had to quit her job 10 years ago, because she could no longer sit at a desk for an extended period of time. It's why she's having such difficulty functioning now. And I KNOW what that does to a person. I live with chronic pain myself. I know how it feeds depression. I know how the depression in turn fuels the pain. She uses conventional pain medication, and it helps a little. But she also uses medical marijuana, which I don't think is doing her any favors. Sure, it makes her not care about her pain, but it makes her not care about anything else either. 

She needs surgery. Hip replacement surgery. And she's afraid of it. Which I guess I can understand. But she's never even been to an orthopedist to find out EXACTLY what's involved. She's only ever seen her General Practitioner. I wish I could talk to the counselor she's going to be seeing and tell her she needs to work on this with "Kay." There's more to the story. I can feel it.

Up until yesterday, her excuse has always been the kids are too young. We all helpfully pointed out that maybe now is the perfect time since the kids are in "Etta's" care. Now her excuse is that she doesn't want to do it now and then have to have it re-done during her lifetime. Which, I guess, is a valid point. I wouldn't want to either.

But hip replacements last at least 20 years. And technology has advanced since the last studies were done. She may well NEVER have to have it replaced. And anyway, even if that is a real possibility, it would be better to have 20 good years with her kids NOW when they need her the most. Wouldn't it? By the time her hip shit the bed again, the kids would be grown and would be able to take care of HER.

I'm worried. What I see happening is "Kay" doing just enough to get her kids back and get all these people all up out of her face and then things coming back to the status quot that brought us to this point.

And, regardless of how I feel about the FSS, I love those children as though they are my own.

I don't know. I wish there was a surgery I could have done that would take away my pain. If there was, I would SO be drinkin' that kool-aid.


ahhsome said...

Okay I want to understand better what's going on...from the few posts I've I have this correctly:

While your ex-husband (or boyfriend) was in jail,you were taking care of his kids from his prior relationship?

For whatever reason, Child Services was involved and now they are with their maternal/paternal Grandmother?

From your recent post, your ex is now free and wants to reestablish a relationship w/you (which you're debating)...and you're all (all being you, the dad, & grandma) sitting down with the mother of his kids trying to convince her that she needs surgery before she attempts to regain custody? (which she needs, but is refusing)

Do I have that right?

How did you end up with the kiddos in the first place?

Inquiring minds must know! :)


Lana D said...

Sandi - You're close. It's confusing even to those that are involved!

My ex-husband is in jail. "Jay" has six children altogether. Two are grown, two are MY biological children (they live with me and we are fine) and the two other children were living with his first ex-wife. The two other children - "Branda and Colton" - have been removed from "Kay's" care (the first ex-wife) and placed with "Jay's" mother ("Etta").

My ex ("Jay") is still incarcerated, although, as of today, he has been moved from the state prison to a treatment center. He was part of the meeting via conference call.

One of the issues brought up at the meeting was the idea of "Kay" having the hip surgery that she really, desperately NEEDS. It's not a requirement in order to regain custody, but all of us that are involved believe that it is truly in her best interest, and her two childen's best interest, only "Kay" refuses to even consider it.

As for "Jay" (the Former Supposed Spouse) and I, I have not fully decided whether or not we will resume a relationship under the same roof when he is released. This is not the first time he's gotten himself locked up and I'm a little tired of hearing the same thing over and over and over again, only to have everything fall apart all over again. Such is life with an alcoholic who refuses to recognize his illness and deal with it in an effective manner.

I hope that helps make things as clear as mud!

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