Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Another Authentic Flaw: Nothing is as complicated as I make it....

And that's another one of my authentic flaws - my ability to make EVERYTHING ten times more complicated than it is or has to be.

I read this little gem in my little book of reflections today:

"In other cases, my resentment is based on a persistent pattern of
behavior I'm not willing to accept. I forgive the other person because
that's what I need to do for ME. Sometimes the forgiveness process
fosters deeper unity and connection between people.
Sometimes, it points to an exit sign."


The FSS (former supposed spouse) called last night to tell me he has been approved for the WATCh (Warm springs Addiction Treatment and Change) Program. Again. This will be the second time he's been through it. And he started rattling off all the things that are going to be different this time. Again.

And while I hope that it really will be different this time, I am not holding my breath. The smart money just isn't on that bet. And even if it is different, it will be different without me. In the seven years we were together he has spent almost half that time behind bars and/or fences (with and without razor wire) of one sort or another. And the last three times I've waited - sometimes patiently, sometimes not so much -for him to come home thinking all the while that THIS time it's gonna work. THIS time he's gonna get it. THIS is the LAST time this happens.

And every time he's been gone I have turned myself upside down and inside out trying to figure out what was wrong with ME that made HIM act the way he did. I tied myself up in knots and twisted myself into pretzels trying to make myself over into whatever he needed me to be - all the while not really having a clue what that might be - to a point where I no longer recognize myself.

And I guess maybe I'm a little pissed about that. No. No maybe. I am pissed.

But I'm pissed at MYSELF because - well for a lot of reasons, really - but the big one is this - I KNEW what he was long before we ever got together. His reputation well preceded him and his tales of "daring do" are somewhat legendary in our little town. But, I went there anyway. Actually, I ran there, away from the hell my first marriage had become, but that's a story for another day. Life with an active alcoholic actually seem like a picnic compared to what I was married to.

I'm pissed because I didn't listen to my gut when he got arrested the second time. My gut was telling me to run - run for the hills - but my back bone and my running shoes were nowhere to be found.

I'm pissed because despite the fact that I have tuned upside-in-outside-down and ran in circles trying to be better, stronger, smarter, tougher - deep down inside where the "real me" lives, I don't think I've really changed at all.

And then I was watching "Intervention" on A&E the other night and the counselor said something that clicked a little at the time and has been gnawing at me ever since.
"If you don't change, she won't have to"
Well, no wonder. I keep wishing for the happily ever after. He keeps promising one. I keep believing him and keep letting him come home. And sooner or later, the cycle repeats itself.

I told him the other night that maybe I'm the one that's no good for him. He hung up on me. And I think that says it all.


veron said...

Big Hugs! I hated myself for a long time for bending myself to what he wanted and the whole time all i was, was a piece off A** and a great baby sitter. But the piece of A** stopped and a live in baby sitter wasn’t what he wanted and neither did i so i left, thinking he will miss me and want the me he first met back. I was wrong and he replaced me. Today i thank god he did. I finally found someone i can be me with and he can be himself with me. Again hugs

Copyboy said...

I'm a 2 arrest guy myself. But hey, relationships come with blinders at times. BTW...if you're interested I'd love for you to be a part of my blog community at

Laura Howard said...

Here's to you, your backbone and your running shoes. Despite how angry you are at yourself, it sure does take a strong woman to admit their mistakes and try to move forward! Don't forget that!

Jayne said...

I also ignored my gut for a long time with a relationship... but as Laura says above, it really does take strength to admit when something is wrong, and more so to act upon it. :)

ahhsome said...

I dated someone for exactly 4 years. At 2 years into the relationship, we bought a house and did a huge commute to work everyday. With the driving waring on us, being together non-stop and his penchant for finding every-little thing I did wrong, or constantly telling me I was fat, didn't look good, can't drive- I became a mass of nerves constantly worried about what I was allowed to say, etc.

After 4 years of his verbal abuse and mistreatment, 2 of it living together, I picked up my things and walked away from the house- letting it foreclose and moved back home (which was not what I wanted)and when we met up do discuss some loose ends, like who gets the dog, etc, where my money went...

You know what he said to me "You're a smart girl and I thought if you went to college, you'd get smart and leave me. That's why I didn't want you to go...Good for you. I didn't think you had it in you to leave me. I didn't think you were strong enough." He didn't say it mean, he was saying it as a very bizarre compliment! Those were the most loving words he said to me. That's how jacked up that relationship was and by that point...I didn't care! I thought "what an ass." I simply didn't love him anymore. THANK GOD!

It took some years of being on my own, and casual dating before I was ready for a serious relationship...but now, I've got the most amazing marriage and understanding husband & a great father & role model for the children.

You will just got to take the first step and remove what's not good for you. COMPLETELY. Get them out of your life until you can talk and have no feelings for that no matter what they say, you are no longer swayed. You can look at things objectively, not emotionally. It's healthier for you! (and that person and everyone else around you)


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