Monday, February 7, 2011

Oh so very flawed.....but at least I'm real

I think it's better to be authentically flawed than to be perfectly fake.

With that thought in mind, I have some authentic flaws that I need to face. The biggest and most immediate is that I am no longer sober. Well, I am at this moment, but today instead of having a year, I have a little over a week. I was feeling pretty bummed about that for a couple of days, but I'm okay with it now.  I think.

I do still have a relationship with a Higher Power. And I have spent a fair amount of time talking with that HP this week. I don't know if I've come to any conclusions about anything yet. But I have a couple of theories.

Authentically flawed instead of perfectly fake.

The truth is, I've been feeling like something of a fraud for quite some time. Long before last week. They tell me that "all that is required" is a desire to stop. That desire has been absent for a while now. I kept telling myself I wasn't going to meetings because I didn't feel good. Ever. But the reality is that I just don't feel like I belong in the meetings I was going to. I felt like an intruder. A perfect fake.

Authentically flawed.

I think maybe my authentic flaw is not that I am an alcoholic, but that I am supremely codependent. My former supposed spouse is without a doubt an alcoholic. And I think maybe in my desperate need to try and help him, I convinced myself I was something I was not. I think I believed that if I went through the steps and read the book and did the work, the I would be better equipped to help him. If I could fix myself, then maybe I stood a chance of fixing him.

And that perhaps is the biggest flaw of all - the belief that anything I could do would fix him.


Queen-Size funny bone said...

I would try to concentrate on myself before I tried to do anything for anybody else. I hope you don't give up.

TV's Take said...

So sorry to hear that you did not connect to your meeting group. It's good to be real but it's also important to me real good to yourself. Thanks for the follow - following you back

Tammy said...

I was very moved by this post, perhaps because I too have struggled with codependence. AM struggling. But what moved me so much was your frankness and honesty. It's definitely better to be authentically flawed than perfectly fake. Perfectly fake people don't work to correct their flaws, they work to HIDE them...and thus only make them worse. Those of us who are authentically flawed get to embrace ourselves AND every moment that helps us learn and become who we want to be. All the best to you!

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