With that thought in mind, I have some authentic flaws that I need to face. The biggest and most immediate is that I am no longer sober. Well, I am at this moment, but today instead of having a year, I have a little over a week. I was feeling pretty bummed about that for a couple of days, but I'm okay with it now. I think.
I do still have a relationship with a Higher Power. And I have spent a fair amount of time talking with that HP this week. I don't know if I've come to any conclusions about anything yet. But I have a couple of theories.
Authentically flawed instead of perfectly fake.
The truth is, I've been feeling like something of a fraud for quite some time. Long before last week. They tell me that "all that is required" is a desire to stop. That desire has been absent for a while now. I kept telling myself I wasn't going to meetings because I didn't feel good. Ever. But the reality is that I just don't feel like I belong in the meetings I was going to. I felt like an intruder. A perfect fake.
I think maybe my authentic flaw is not that I am an alcoholic, but that I am supremely codependent. My former supposed spouse is without a doubt an alcoholic. And I think maybe in my desperate need to try and help him, I convinced myself I was something I was not. I think I believed that if I went through the steps and read the book and did the work, the I would be better equipped to help him. If I could fix myself, then maybe I stood a chance of fixing him.
And that perhaps is the biggest flaw of all - the belief that anything I could do would fix him.