Monday, April 4, 2011

C is For Confusion, Conflicted and Concerned

Confusion. A state of being disturbed in mind or purpose.

Conflicted. Experiencing or marked by ambivalence or a conflict, especially of emotions.

Concerned. Anxious, worried, interestedly engaged, culpably involved.

Initially, I had planned to only post about a single emotion on a given day this month. C however, required more than one, and I have a sneaking suspicion that some of the others will as well. 

Some days, it seems that confusion can swallow me whole. I have fibromyalgia, and that not only makes my body not work well, but it also messes with my mental function. I forget things. A lot. So I make a lot of lists. And then promptly forget where I have written them down or where I have put them. Which leads to confusion as to what I am supposed to be doing, where I'm supposed to be going and when I'm supposed to be there. 

My former supposed spouse is also an enormous source of confusion. I have no doubt that he loves me and cares for me. How then can he keep making the same choices that take him away from me? From us? How does he process his actions and his choices so that he can let himself believe that he can do whatever he wants and get away with it? I don't understand. (Perhaps I'm not as much an addict as I have led myself to believe!)

Show me a fence, and I will show you how to walk it. 

One minute I'm so angry at him that I really believe he is lucky to be behind Plexiglas or at the other end of a phone line because I swear to the heavens above if he were right in front of me, I would chock the ever loving shit out of him.

And in the very next breath, I want to believe that this FINALLY is the time he gets it and we will have our happily ever after. He is my heart's desire. I love him. I miss him. I want him to come home.

In the midst of the FSS's extended absence, his ex-wife has come completely unraveled to the point where her kids have been removed from her care and placed in the temporary custody of my Former Supposed Mother-In-Law.

And THAT has been a nightmare in and of itself. She's having a great deal of difficulty with "Colton." He's defiant. He's oppositional. He's just flat out effing PISSED! And who can blame him? His mother is unable to properly care for him, his dad is behind bars again, and he's stuck with his Grandma who won't even let him go outside and play. I'M pissed, and I'm a grown-up (in theory, anyway) and I don't even know how to process all of MY emotions. 

I imagine that for a 7-year-old it all translates into one thing - FEAR. And how does he express that? Anger.

But when he's at MY house? He's a completely different kid. He laughs. He's funny. He does what I ask - sometimes more than I ask. He does his homework. He takes his shower. He eats his dinner. He goes to bed. WITHOUT the big ass melt down.

My heart breaks for him. I love him like he is my own and my heart is just breaking for him.

Oh who am I kidding. My heart is broken for all of us.


Retired Knitter said...

Your pain is so big.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep moving forward. Somedays that is how I cope.

moe said...

Without feelings we wouldn't know how to heal or feel the sun in those few moments when it shines in our lives.

It must be hard to hold to hope in the middle of this but it is there, keeping you afloat. This isn't any veiled image for something other than the quality we have inside us that keeps us going.

Be kind to yourself.


Name: Luana Krause said...

Have you ever read the book "Co-Dependent No More"? It absolutely changed my life! Hope things get better for you.

PBJdreamer said...

I am sorry you are going through all of this.

I am glad you have your blog and US to vent to.

Hang in there!!

that is all

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