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Tuesday, April 5, 2011

D is For Delusional

Delusional. The abnormal state marked by a persistent, false, psychotic belief regarding the self or persons or objects outside the self that is maintained despite indisputable evidence to the contrary. 


I think maybe we are all guilty of deluding ourselves at some point in our lives. I know I am. I know my Former Supposed Spouse is. We tell ourselves lots of things - not necessarily totally false things - in order to get through the day.


I have always believed after each incarceration and treatment program that Jon would "get it" this time. That "click" would happen and he would be able to maintain his sobriety for longer than a few months. He asked me to marry him about 6 years ago, the first time he was locked up. I had told him that if he could give me 6 months sober on the outside where he wasn't monitored and supervised 24/7 that I would.


We're still not legally married. The longest he managed to stay sober was about 4 months. 


We have a child together and have lived in the same house and have presented ourselves as husband and wife so I would say that the State of Montana considers our relationship a "Common Law Marriage." But we never signed the papers or took the vows.


There's a big part of me that wants to cling to the delusion that this time will be different. There's a part of me that is desperately afraid to be alone and because of that, I'm tempted, always, to continue buying into the delusion. Even though the "indisputable evidence" tells a different story.


Actions speak a thousand time louder than words.

5 comments:

Vanessa said...

I totally get the delusions. Hang in there. You will know when it's right.

ahhsome said...

Lana- I'm feeling there's something hitting home for you right now. I hope you can snap out of it...your last few posts seems so sad! I hope you have some positive support near you. Someone not "dysfunctional" although, we are all somewhat dysfunctional, right? Cling onto that positive influence in your life.

I'm going to give you a mission...the letter "E" must be a positive word. You may not "feel" it right now, but focus on what good their is in your life or what you witness in someone elses...even if it's tv! In fact, don't stop there...all letters from this point...challenge yourself to be positive! It might make you feel better!

I'm curious, go over your posts while you ex was incarcerted. We're your posts happier? It seems since he's arrived home, there has been a lot of turmoil? Maybe reading over your past posts will help put things into perspective.

Being alone is not such a bad thing. I did it. It took time, but I removed myself far from the sitation...was lonely, but made new friends and after a few years, found a new person!

Big Hugs
Sandi
http://www.ahhsome.wordpress.com

Giggle, Laugh, Cry said...

Delusions cloud everything, don't they?
I stopped by as part of the A-Z Challenge!
gigglelaughcry.blogspot.com

Retired Knitter said...

It is hard to dictate what the heart does.

veronica said...

Lana,

As a recovering alcoholic and a child of an alcoholic and sister of 3alcoholic adicts, I have been in your shoes with my family and myself. When I got sober there were a few emotions I knew, FEAR, FEAR, and ANGER. Having known these emotions I had no clue where or even how to deal with them or the proper way to express them.(some days I still don't) Today I have experienced a rainbow of emotions and the best way for me to deal, and learn what they are is to write about them,as i see you are doing, then I go to my sponsor(whom I totally trust)or another member of the group and ask questions. The best advice I was given was to keep a daily gratitude list. 5 things each day I'm thankful for.example Today I only had to walk the 1 flight of stairs one time. I had food. I had COFFEE and I have the love of my daughter.I also have the love of a man who deals with my insane ways. This list can be as in-depth or as easy as mine was today. The best thing is I get to see what is going on in my life that is good and not just the negative.I have shared this only as a tool that I can pass along, as it was passed to me. The emotions you are dealing with are adnormal to us until we learn who, what,and where there belong.

Passing it on,
Veronica

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