Thursday, April 7, 2011
Faith: A firm belief in something for which there is no proof; belief, trust in and loyalty to God.
Forgiveness: Being willing or able to allow error or weakness.
Fear: To be afraid of; to expect with alarm.
First and foremost, I have faith in a power greater than myself. I choose to call that power God, and I have accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior. There are days, especially recently, when my Faith is the only thing that has carried me through.
“For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11.
So, even though I am walking through something of a nightmare right now, I know – I KNOW – I am not walking through it alone.
I also know that I have to find it within me to forgive Jon for the things that he has done and said that have hurt me. And, probably more importantly, forgive myself for the things that I have done and said that have hurt him. And, yes, there are lots of things in that category.
I need to let myself off the hook for the choices he has made. I understand it intellectually that he didn’t drink BECAUSE of me or anything I did. He drank because that’s what alcoholics DO.
“I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it.” From Courage to Change – an Al-Anon daily devotional.
Finally, I think most of my actions and reactions and feelings are firmly rooted in fear. I don’t do well with change and when things are changing constantly, it sends me into kind of a tailspin. Before long, I find myself in a very dark and scary place. Even when things are going well, I always seem to have this feeling of “waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
The last time Jon came home, I was constantly on edge, waiting for that day he came home drunk again. Hoping against all evidence to the contrary that it would never come, but knowing in my heart of hearts that it would.
Life is much too short to live in that constant state of high alert.