Betrayal. To fail or desert especially in time of need.
Yes, he has betrayed me. By his own actions, he has deserted me. He keeps telling me it wasn't his choice, that he doesn't WANT to be where he is at. It was the cops, his probation officer, the judge, his mother. Yes, even his mother because if he hadn't had to go over to her house and take care of her, then he wouldn't have been driving.
But that's not really true. He was headed to her house the night he was arrested. However, he CHOSE to stop at the bar first. He CHOSE to start drinking again long before that night. He CHOSE to drive even though he wasn't allowed to do so without the ignition interlock device required by the court.
And we all need him in some form. His ex-wife and his mother are both disabled and need his help physically. I am in limbo while Social Security tries to decide whether or not I am disabled enough to receive benefits. He was my sole source of income.
He made CHOICES that got him where he is at today. They are an endless list of broken promises.
I made my OWN choices that got me here, as well. I CHOSE to let him come home again and again. I CHOSE to believe the empty promises. I CHOSE to turn myself upside down and inside out in an effort to "save" him. But he didn't want to be saved - didn't think he needed to be saved. And even if he did, I CANNOT do it for him.
I think maybe we've betrayed each other. And I'm not sure if that can be fixed. I'm not sure I want to fix it if it can.
Yes, he has betrayed me. By his own actions, he has deserted me. He keeps telling me it wasn't his choice, that he doesn't WANT to be where he is at. It was the cops, his probation officer, the judge, his mother. Yes, even his mother because if he hadn't had to go over to her house and take care of her, then he wouldn't have been driving.
But that's not really true. He was headed to her house the night he was arrested. However, he CHOSE to stop at the bar first. He CHOSE to start drinking again long before that night. He CHOSE to drive even though he wasn't allowed to do so without the ignition interlock device required by the court.
And we all need him in some form. His ex-wife and his mother are both disabled and need his help physically. I am in limbo while Social Security tries to decide whether or not I am disabled enough to receive benefits. He was my sole source of income.
He made CHOICES that got him where he is at today. They are an endless list of broken promises.
I made my OWN choices that got me here, as well. I CHOSE to let him come home again and again. I CHOSE to believe the empty promises. I CHOSE to turn myself upside down and inside out in an effort to "save" him. But he didn't want to be saved - didn't think he needed to be saved. And even if he did, I CANNOT do it for him.
I think maybe we've betrayed each other. And I'm not sure if that can be fixed. I'm not sure I want to fix it if it can.
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10 comments:
Lana: thanks for sharing your heart.
Wow Lana, that was intense...thank you for your openness and honesty. You know we all have demons we battle and isn't it nice to know there are others out there to love and support us? ..like your little son who hugs you and tell you he loves you 'THIS MUCH!'
and the best thing is finding those little gems in people we've never met but through the wonderful world of blogging!
Welcome to my world and I to yours!
I like this - you have a way with a pen!
I came, I followed, I commented and I thank you for doing the same. Isn't this a fun fest?
Jan Morrison
Knowing what the right thing to do is hard enough. Being able to actually do it is even harder.
My mom had a difficult time getting on disability. In the end, she had to write our congressman and he helped. You may want to try that....
Prayers for you and I hope you have a really wonderful weekend.
Next time someone asks me, in sanctimonious terms of i'd-never-put-up-with-it, "Why do they keep going back?" I'll have an articulate, well thought out source to go to in order to smack them upside the head.
Thank you for the insight...
And good luck in your fight with the government and with fibromyalgia. Stress is not one of the recommended treatments, I hear, but sure seems to be par for the course with life.
xxoo
moe
written beautifuly. Breaks my heart.
Im #50 BTW, I am accepting muffin baskets
This is beautiful, especially love the ending paragraph.
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I hope everything works out for you! Wishing you the best.
And just remember, it will always be easier for him to point the finger at everybody else and blame them for his problems. It takes a much stronger person to see that they've made a few mistakes too.
It always takes two, but sounds like you are getting it together and he may never do that. In the end you will be the stronger for this experience.
what a powerful post! thanks for sharing it
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