Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Dyson Vacuum Cleaners

So, I loaned my somewhat-better-than-average-but-nothing-spectacular vacuum cleaner to the FSS's ex-wife (can anyone say chump?) so that she could clean up her nasty, filthy, dog-licking-ass-faced, disgusting PIT of a house so that she could I don't know, feel better about herself?

And it came back to me broken. And I mean not just broken, but broken to the extent where I could not fix it, broken. There was so much carpet string and pieces of plastic bags and crap (and yes, I do literally mean CRAP) wrapped around the beater brush that it would no longer turn.  And even if it had turned instead of burning up the belt, the little piece of hose that runs from the beater bar to the big long hose that runs to the canister was so stuffed with - well I'm not entirely sure what it was...maybe pieces of the inside of a bed that one of the cats had shredded in order to get inside the mattress and have her kittens?? - that it would not suck.

Mind you, I did not discover any of THIS until after I had pulled the big long hose out of it's spot to see if it was clogged up and discovered that it had a sizable GASH in it. Yeah. I was just a little pissed off.

And this was just the latest in a string of events with this woman. In fact, it was the very last straw on the very last lame-ass camel's back. I was, and remain, so done trying to help her out. She, and her house, are in God's hands now.

So I call my mother in a fit of tears because the whole reason I needed my vacuum cleaner back was so that I could clean up a mess the children had made with Itty Bitty Kitty's food. It was all over the floor. I asked if I could please borrow her vacuum cleaner. I did not remember at the time that she had purchased herself a Dyson for Christmas this past year.

Let me put it this way - I would perform sexual favors to anyone willing to purchase one of these machines for me.

It is really all that AND a bag of really delicious chips. I vacuumed my floor, I vacuumed my drapes, I skimmed the corners between the walls and the ceiling and quite efficiently removed the cobwebs. I EVEN VACUUMED MY TEXTURED CEILING AND THE TEXTURE IS STILL IN PLACE!!! Dust and cobwebs, not so much.

So, yeah. Dyson vacuum cleaners really do do what they say they do. Just thought you should know.


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